Al Pacino is Italian

Today I spoke with all of the men in my love life. Three of whom I will mention - the other three I will not. Woah. 6?! Yikes. Ok three are on other continents but really! I have only slept with 4 of them - does that make it any better?

The Skinny Italian who Broke my Heart is still on my msn list and I am still ridiculously in love with him. He still calls me goupa and sends me besos and asks me when I am coming to live in Barcelona. I told him I will go there in February to try it for a couple of weeks. Maybe I should go when he is not there so I can meet the Latin Lover man without worrying about him turning out to be really embarrassing or something.

I spoke with the Latin Lover Man and gave him a piece of my mind about his ditching me. He said his cousin walked in and he had to go. He is staying with his family in Venezuela at the moment. For some reason I was in an aggressive mood and asked him if he has met any rich women on millionaire match yet. He said he is not there for money - only to find a special girl. I asked if he had yet and he said yes - you! Is it wrong for me to be really cynical about this guy? He has naked photos of his abs with only a fan covering his ben johnson. (A big fan mind you). Obviously he is a little hot under the collar. I think he may be a (cyber) sex addict.

He said he was really hot and horny at that moment. I asked him if this is normal for him. He said it was because of me. I find that really hard to believe as well. (Although if he were a fan of naked shower dances under the blue light of the laptop screen then I would be more inclined to believe him).

I just had a thought though. What is the point in being negative about him or cynical. No harm no foul. He is a nice guy, we have fun on-line together. I would like to meet him to dance the salsa and make the skinny italian who broke my heart jealous while frolicking in the waves in Barcelona. . . If the Latin Lover Man is not serious about me then that is a good thing. I certainly wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

Anyway. The skinny Italian who broke my heart (I realize I keep capitalizing his name differently - it is because I am at odds with how much of his 'title' deserves to be capitalized and some times I punish him by using all small letters) was speaking with me on msn and told me he loves the new Kanye song - love lockdown. He said he doesn't understand what it means in English so I transcribed it as we listened to it together (awwww). I typed the following:

I'm not lovin you
way I wanted to
I got somethin to lose
so I gotta move
I can't keep myself
and still keep you too

you lose

See I had to go
see i had to move
we're just wastin time
where's the finish line

keep your love locked down - you lose

only God knows
if I'll be with you
baby I'm confused
you choose

I started to sweat as I typed. I chose the words as I heard them - for the first time I listened to the lyrics. It was just what I felt we are doing. Locking the love away because it seems easier. But we lose.

So he said - why is he not loving her the way he wants?
I said - he is stupid
he said - oh ok :-)

I wonder if he got it. Then I said - actually he is afraid.
He changed the subject to tell me he was listening to Lauren Hill sing turn your lights down low and it is one of his favourite songs.

That is a song we sang in the van when I visited him in Barcelona. I am surely reading too much into all of this. He is usually very blunt when he wants to talk about his feelings. He has been very blunt in telling me that he doesn't want a relationship and that he doesn't feel 'a strong passion or a need' to see me. Awesome eh?

So I decided to make all kinds of excuses for him instead of getting the hint. I am so ridiculously in love. Also - not so good at not getting what I want. One of the six I mentioned earlier I have been chasing for three years, and just made it happen this week. I could have had it happen earlier, but not the way I wanted it. Now I just want him for sex. Am I a guy? Let me clarify that 'just want him for sex' part. I want to have sex with him as opposed to anyone else because we are good friends, will never have a conventional relationship, and we care for each other. Less chance of getting hurt than a regular booty call, but more freedom to be emotionally intimate. I know - I am asking for it. Luckily I leave the country every 6 weeks or so so I can't get too attached to anyone. (Ya I know everyone says that is why I am single . . . blah blah blah - I say - keep up with me, or give me a reason to stay still!)

Today after we (the skinny italian who broke my heart and I) spoke I felt so happy. Even though nothing transpired except his little pet names for me. He said WE should learn Spanish (before I told him I just wanted to be friends WE were learning Italian - meaning he was teaching me). I told him I have two friends here who are teaching me Spanish. One in Toronto (my awesome friend Pedro) and one in Venezuela (My Latin Lover Man of course) I should have said he was from Spain. I was tentatively dropping the hint and showing that I don't need him anymore.

I wish he was jealous.

I need to go back to what I learned during my month without men . . . the magic words that work with every guy. Ok. Cool. Those of you reading that blog haven't gotten to that part yet, but you will. I am seriously not together enough with this guy to use those words. When could I have used them??? hmmm. Everytime he has hurt my feelings I guess. Instead I have chosen to tell him he is wrong when he says he doesn't feel a passion to see me. I am certifiable - honestly.

The good news in all of this though is that at least I know why I like him so much. I saw some old photos of my Dad (he and I have been going through his personal papers) and there is something in his face that instantly reminded me of -- woops - I almost typed his name in here . . . tut tut tut - the Skinny Italian who broke my heart. I love him because I love my father. His body language reminds me of my father's body language. My father loved Al Pacino and emulated his body language. Al Pacino is Italian. All Italians emulate Al Pacino. done.

I can now move on with my life.

There is one more major conclusion I had after speaking with him that trumps everything though. I decided that feeling happy after I spoke with him was worth all of it. All of the obsessing and dreaming and worrying and stalking. (He totally busted me stalking him on facebook). Nothing beats that high, and even if it is all make-believe, and if coming down will hurt more than anything I would much rather take the ride. I may never have the chance again.