Regrets

For some reason I woke up this morning feeling as though I had some regrets. Perhaps it was initiated by the dream I was having. I was being approached by a salesman to sell bags to teen aged girls. Wait a minute, I asked him, "did you say bags? I have an idea for bags." I actually do have a bag I have designed in real life that I would like to see sold. Then my Mom showed up and started giving the guy a hard time. He insisted we meet his boss. I went into the board room and tried to sit in a power seat, but all of the empty seats were suddenly filled with wives and children for these men (one seat just had a pair of eyes in it). Clearly that was about all of the men I meet who have women in their lives. I ended up sitting at the end of the table in the corner (not a power seat at all) and the woman beside me started to spread some nasty cheese spread on a cracker and then put icing on top. It was my understanding that this was actually what they wanted me to sell, and I got excited because I knew something that would help them to not be so fat and unhealthy (the women were all over weight and the men were all in great shape). I have learned so much about diet from the anti-cancer book I have been reading and would love to promote products that are good for you. I was really looking forward to finding out what was going to happen (what are the distribution channels for these bags, and this sandwich meat sitting in front of me), but then Pam banged on the window of my room and woke me up. I ignored her, but couldn't get back to the dream.

So I started thinking about business, and how much I love it. In the dream the sales man was telling me not to throw it all away. That I really had something here. I think I know that I really have something here. I just don't understand why I don't want to do it anymore. Is it because life to me is about more than just success and that I want to be really fulfilled in my career? OR is it just the disappointment for not having achieved all I wanted to in that business that makes me want to walk away. Let's be honest. I lost my love for the industry a couple of years ago. I have had one foot out the door for some time now.

The only thing that would keep me in the business is a fear of not being able to find or start anything as 'great' in the future. I know I will, and I won't make my decisions based on fear. Love only.

Yesterday I was cleaning out my room and finally found the tape of my last psychic reading. I had asked her about relationships and marriage. She said that she saw me married in the next two or three years with another house in Toronto. She said that all of the stuff I have been going through is just karma. What the hell did I do to deserve this? Perhaps I was a man castrator in medieval times? She said that my life is just beginning. That certainly feels true. I am just getting started. The biggest thing she said is that I have to know exactly what I want before I go into any negotiations regarding selling my business or getting another job or whatever.

She also said that my business is rock solid -- considering I am going bankrupt . . . perhaps I should discard everything else as well. . . but that also got me thinking. My business WAS rock solid. I could have saved it. I chose not to and let it go. I don't regret that now. I hope I never do. In the meantime I am back to writing again.

So what are my regrets then? I don't usually think about regrets because I feel that everything happens according to divine timing. I try to keep trust that God will let me know where and when as long as I listen to my intuition. Right now my intuition is telling me to go back to sleep.