blocking

I watched Sex and the City the Movie tonight with my Mom. It was great to see it again. I was embarrassed at how much I wanted to cry (just like the first time). Normally I don't mind crying in front of my Mom, but I didn't want her to know how much their lives are like mine, and how afraid I am of not finding love.

I emailed the Skinny Italian who Broke my Heart yesterday after about a week of not contacting him. It is easier now for me not to do that. I still fantasize every day about being with him and having a family.

I sent him a clip from the movie across the universe. It was the song I Want to Hold Your Hand. I love the way the girl sings it. He responded by saying how sweet it was and that everything I say to him manages to pull at his heart. My first response? Don't trust him.

Brutal.

So I got to thinking about this nice guy I met while in New York last week end. He was from Brazil, cute, moving to Barcelona to do his Masters, well travelled, good dancer. He left early and took my card, but hasn't called. While he was there we were dancing and I was playing hard to get by not making much eye contact. Why the fuck do I do that? Why don't I just do what I really feel? Why be so bloody guarded? I am really sick of myself for that. I used to explain it as years of not wanting to be approached by men who I didn't want to have to say no to cause I am not very good at it.

Now I have no excuse. I am alone and tired of it.

I am my own cock blocker.

I almost erased all of that, but no one reads this anyway so I'll leave it.