They are all Gone With The Wind now . . .

After spending the day beating up on myself for not yet achieving my life's purpose (or even deciding what that may be) I decided to feel guilty for watching Gone With The Wind (maybe my favourite movie/book of all time) and then The Making of Gone With The Wind (GWTW) until 3 AM and also for eating a bag of chips, a bag of pistachios, and for making cookies at 1 AM and eating half of those . . . At the end of The Making of GWTW the narrator started talking about the years when the cast died (Vivian Leigh in 1967 which of course is evidence that I am she re-incarnated because she died before I was born) and I realized that all of the faces in the photos and clips are dead now. It seems obvious since the movie celebrates its 70th anniversary this year, but movie stars seem to be frozen in age when they are in a classic movie like that and it is easy to forget that they don't live forever, look beautiful and still live happy, perfect lives. Vivian Leigh herself was a manic depressive who lost her one true love to another woman and died of TB. GWTW was a massive undertaking. It went over budget (3x the original), went through three directors, and NEVER had a final shooting script. And while all of the work and the drive and the risks they took to make that movie left us with something wonderful and life altering for many - what difference did it really make for those involved? For some - it was a highlight of their lives - for others it contributed to their demise. But in the end - the result for each of them was the same - they all died. Not to be morose or anything, but I mean this as a positive. So many times I have heard people say - 'we could all be dead tomorrow' and I have nodded automatically in agreement with a small pang of disgust at the obvious cliche. But every once in a while, for a moment, it sinks in. Tomorrow may be another day, but my happiness today is all that matters - cause the sun may not come out tomorrow after all.

So - instead of being disappointed in myself yet again for not 'accomplishing anything' this evening I decided - at 2:30 AM - to put my clothes in the dryer, unload and load the dishwasher, and write this blog. Perhaps it is not that I am forgiving myself for my imperfections by taking such action, but trying to make up for them by getting something done. I could say that whatever motivates me is a good thing, but I don't know if that is true. I only seem to work well when I am trying to avoid doing something I feel as though I should do - in this case - going to bed. I have always seen this as a sign of my immaturity. That when I am a full grown-up I will do things because they are good for me, and because I am disciplined, and because I should. Maybe it is time to let go of this way of thinking. . . and start focusing on supporting myself in making choices that make me happy in this moment.

One of the arguments I make with myself against the philosophy of living in the moment is that if I only worry about today's happiness that I will not be able to build anything for tomorrow. . . but sometimes my happiness comes from doing things today that I feel will make my life easier tomorrow - like it did tonight. I know that turing on the dish washer will make my morning a little easier to face, and that makes me feel great. But do I have to feel badly about not doing it yesterday in order to take action today?

I can't tie this blog up with a tidy answer. As I try to re-build my life I tend more and more to shine the spotlight of my unhappiness on my imperfections - and all of the things I haven't done. And I judge and blame myself. I do believe that in order to have the experience of being human we have to experience both positive and negative emotions. I understand how great it is to make sure the dishes are done because I know how shitty it is when I go to make tea in the morning and have no clean mug. . . The thing that causes me pain is not the dirty mug. It is the little voice criticizing me for not keeping the kitchen clean, for staying up all night, and for baking cookies at 1 AM.

Perhaps then the only advice I can offer to myself is not to be afraid of those highs and lows - they are unavoidable - and part of the brilliance of being alive, but to be gentle - not to judge so harshly when the negative occurs, and to give myself permission to enjoy the things that bring me joy in this moment - even if that means putting off until tomorrow that which could have been done today.

After all, tomorrow - is another day!