I had no idea. I had no idea Chanel completely transformed the way women dressed. I guess I never made the connection between the time period she existed in and the clothing she created. She is officially my new hero.
As for the critiques - I could care less if the story is real or not. She would likely have hated it if it were true! She was constantly re-inventing her life story. And so she should! My story is so different now than it was 5 years ago, and not because 5 years have passed. Telling the same stories about your past will make you dead inside! Your story is yours to do with what you like - if it is static you are likely still stuck in it.
Yet another reason to admire this woman - no designer could be confined to designing only in the medium of their designing!
On the subject of marriage . . . I am amazed that her story could ring so true for me. Either my way of thinking is turn-of-the-century, or things haven't changed a hell of a lot where marriage is concerned. . . are things worse? - at least then it was acceptable to marry for money.
Her discussion with Boy about being married was heartbreaking - but permeated my psyche . . . in fact, it made me weep. Not to say that I believe it is better to be the mistress than the wife - that doesn't give men much credit (I have started doing that - giving them credit - no one likes a bitter-betty) - but her idea that all of your freedom is lost when you become married made me catch my breath.
I think that is what I have always been most afraid of. Not because I would ever marry someone who would ask me not to be myself; because I would just stop being myself - because men become more themselves when they have a good woman behind them, and women become less - or at least that is the story I have been telling myself until now.
Can you blame me though - Cinderella complex and all that. . . let's blame the Brother's Grimm, or the Ancient Greeks who came up with that bullshit to begin with.
I met someone I like.
He is everything I have asked for. So obviously I am terrified. Especially now - now that I am 'unstable' - it would be way too easy to become absorbed by his light - his life - his success.
I have had many opportunities to allow a man to buy me. To step closer to my dreams by fucking men I don't want to. I have played along here and there, but never gone far enough to really see how it ends - or to ask for them to fulfill their promises to me.
The idea that a man can sweep in and take care of me is so captivating. It makes me want to buy a retro KitchenAid mixer.
But, for me, that would be two steps away from prozac.
Which is a big part of the reason I have never accepted offers from my man-saviours. I felt I would be playing a role that was not authentic - but would become consumed by it - like Heath Ledger as the Joker - and end up dying inside.
Strangely - one of the things I actually admired about Chanel in the movie was that she accepted money from men who wanted to help her because they wanted her sexually. That she took advantage of what she was offered and used it to HER advantage in the end - is this the new Cinderella story? Like Pretty Woman? Allowing someone to help her is part of what made her brave . . . this movie is more appealing than Pretty Woman because she ends up ditching the man who saves her (actually he ditches his self - literally) and makes it on her own anyway - she did not lose herself - even when she was giving herself away.
I have had a couple of friends tell me lately that they admire what I have done with my life so far - travelled, started businesses . . . attacked each day with purpose.
Only I have not ever been sure of my purpose - never lived the life in my heart that they all thought I was living - even though I actually was. I have had many dramatic moments when I have discovered my purpose - only to question it again the next day (or try to remember what it was . . .).
And the more I chase the life I want them to see me having - the more unsettled and unaccomplished I feel, and the more I fail to notice the adventure I am already living . . .
Imagine I could be ok with all of it? Ok with the fact that my story will not unfurl with the story arch of a screenplay, ok with not being able to look-back and identify the moment that changed everything, ok with being ok with my decisions - even if they end up not being the "right" ones. Ok with not having to know how this all turns out . . . One of my favourite authors, SARK, calls this Radical Self Acceptance.
The absolute best part of the movie was when Coco says goodbye to Balsan and says "I'm frightened." She wasn't saying that because she wanted him to save her - she said it because it was the truth.
I'm frightened too. In the past two years I have lost my house, my business, my father, and most-recently my job. I am standing on the threshold of a new life. Having fallen down again - each time it gets a little scarier to get back up . . . harder to look my failures in the eye and try to make it work again.
Thank God I have made a habit of doing things I am afraid of. I don't know what the next thing will be, but whatever it will be - it will be mine - and it won't be a fantasy written by me or anyone else. It will be real, but always open to interpretation.
